Monday, June 06, 2005

Really Funny Article Our Nickname Mess

From JSOnline:

Politics not so usual in Marquette voting

While the nation slept fitfully last night, preliminary balloting ended in the crucial nickname race at Marquette University, with exit polls indicating a late shift to the incumbent.

Network analysts agreed that the Golden Eagles owed a strong closing surge to comments made over the weekend by popular elder statesman Hank Raymonds, who declined to endorse a candidate but introduced a pivotal issue that cut across party lines. Said Raymonds, "Eagles got wings."

This came as a surprise to thousands of undecided voters who generally favor aviation and overwhelmingly support blue skies. Golden Eagles opponents wondered aloud whether Raymonds' comments were influenced by soft money, a charge he labeled hilarious.

Strategists in other camps sought to control the damage done from this late declaration by floating their own slogans, but veteran political observers believe the timing was devastating. They said that "Wolves Have Paws" would not resonate nearly as strongly with voters in either the Blue or the Gold States, and they questioned whether "Saints Do, Too" was technically accurate.

Turnout was relatively light in voting that ended at midnight to determine the final two candidates to become the official nickname of Marquette athletic teams as hundreds of ballots were voided. Numerous alumni sought to use the same phony photo IDs at the polls that they produced at area bars when they were undergraduates, and they were foiled once again by bouncers hired as temporary poll workers.

Reports of political dirty tricks surfaced on Sunday after the tires were slashed on six blue vans designated to transport students from late night sessions at the library to their computers in time to make the voting deadline. Campus security was investigating.

Results of the balloting will be announced on Tuesday, a.k.a. "Super Tuesday." Golden Eagles was widely considered to be the early favorite because it was the only candidate with a built-in constituency of students who had identified with it over the past 11 years. During the course of the campaign, vocal opponents went so far as to suggest the election was a sham designed to return the incumbent to power.

The Jesuit Fathers have responded to those allegations by holding their heads in both hands, rocking back and forth and chanting "Dear God, when will this be over?"

Four candidates have been virtually eliminated from contention on the basis of being simply ridiculous. Included are Voyagers , Spirit, Golden Avalanche and, of course, Blue and Gold, which one pundit pointed out was twice as outrageous as simply Gold.

"What are these people thinking?" he asked rhetorically.

Write-in candidates were allowed with two exceptions: Warriors because they were judged offensive and Jumping Jesuits because they were deemed impossible. No formal ruling has been made on Runnin' Reverends or Crashin' Catholics, but insiders believe ballots containing either would be quietly destroyed.

Saints was strongly favored by Christian conservatives throughout the course of the campaign, but they might have strayed too far from the mainstream by demanding to change the fight song along with the nickname. Although no one has ever totally understood what "Ring Out Ahoya" means, "When the Saints Go Marching In" would require countless hours of rehearsal from the pep band.

Golden Knights was considered a dark horse, particularly by chess enthusiasts, but veterans groups have raised doubts about some of their service records. And Explorers lost ground when gas prices skyrocketed.

It's generally believed that the Golden Eagles momentum can be stopped only if all of the other candidates' supporters unite behind the remaining challenger.

Taking the political high road, a good guess would be Hilltoppers.